Psychosomatic Addict

What. The. Fuck.

The world has gone mad. When did it become okay for women, children, and hot celebs like Nicole Appleton and Faith Hill to skulk around in cartoon-mouse footwear?? Notice that Nicole and Faith look their ugliest in their croc-wearing-pictures on the left.

If you’ve seen Crocs on the street, you’d understand. Crocs are absolutely the ugliest footwear I’ve ever seen. Seeing hot pink crocs on a 40-something woman was beyond hilarious.. it was pitiful even. Kids wearing crocs are forgivable.. they look really cute on those tiny feet. However, if your kids look ugly then don’t even bother buying a pair. I wouldn’t pay a dime for something that costs that ugly (Php.1,800 to Php.3,000 for the ugly shoes and Php.150 to Php.250 for the accessories).

What’s amazing is that these ugly things are on the feet of MILLIONS of people. About six million pairs were distributed to the american populace in 2005, when total sales topped $100 million (up from a paltry $1 million in 2003). The company went public in February, and Crocs, Inc.’s $1 billion market cap now surpasses Earthlink’s. Talk about irrational exuberance! With a market value of more than $1 billion, Croc is rolling out more horrific styles faster than you can say Crocs Are Ugly.

I have no idea when Crocs invaded Manila but I’ve only recently felt them swarm around me. I know at least ten people who have them and are crazy over the jibbitz.

What do Croc fanatics love about these ugly mother fuckers anyway? They’ve enumerated ten stupid reasons.

1. Nothing is softer or more comforable

• It’s made of plastic, yuck. I’m fine with style over comfort. I believe in pretty shoes for pretty people.

2. They are hardly there (less than 6oz.)

• Who wants to walk around like they have paper on their feet anyway?

3. Air ventilation ports keep your feet cool

• Okay, you sweaty people are ugly anyway. Sweaty people = ugly people = ugly shoes. “Nuff said.

4. Non-marking soles

• How heavy are you anyway? Why buy shoes that will puncture your soles? I’m as heavy as a boulder but I’ve never had marks on my soles. Hmm. Oh wait, it’s because I’m pretty.

5. Resistant to bacteria and odor

• You admit that your feet get bacteria and are smelly on ordinary shoes? Ew.

6. Ultra-hip, Italian styling with molded foot support

• Ultra-hip. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Have you even SEEN them??

7. Slip resistant

• Oh yes. I plan to walk and run around wet floor. This will be very useful.

8. Sterilized in water and bleach

• Uhm, okay.

9. Easy to maintain

• Yep, just keep them buried in the back of your closet.

10. Water and sand pass through air vents

• Read #3. If you’ve got bacteria in your smelly feet then I suppose the sand will stick to your feet no matter what. Sticky, snelly, bacteria-laden, ugly feet. Ew.

Whether they’re ordinary Crocs or the Prima Crocs (which is the defense Croc fans have when people-with-eyes call Crocs UGLY… they actually think Prima Crocs are pretty. Whatever.), CROCS ARE UGLY.

So WHY buy these ugly things anyway? Ahh.. its the IN thing huh? Filipinos love Keeping Up with the Joneses and this ugly fad is no different. Honey, just because they’re expensive it doesn’t mean they’re nice. Hmm.. reminds me of the story of the The Emperor’s New Clothes.

If you’re not a fan of the UGLY CROCS, make your presence felt at the I HATE CROCS website. They hate Crocs so much that they bought the domain. Here’s a letter from Andrew of Cape Town, South Africa:

Sadly the terrible demise of brain capacity is beginning here as well. Alas, the dreaded crocs have begun the infestation of my beautiful country, all is lost. The once beautiful vistas of Cape Town are now ruined by hundreds of revolting, coloured and nauseating excuses for footwear. The rot must be stopped, if the crocs have reached even here then there is, I guess, not much hope left for humanity. I always thought that Africa would be spared this plague, however it seems there is now one more addition to this continent’s long list of problems: war, death, famine, pestilence and the croc.

Lets all chant together…

CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY. CROCS are UGLY.